A Bar Experiment

I've always preached that getting good service in a bar is often the responsibility of the patron. I know this sounds ludicrous, but I have my reasons. First of all, I've seen far too many people wander into a crowded bar, stand behind a group of drinkers camped out in a particular spot and hope to just make eye contact or wave a couple of bucks in the air for a round of drinks. They end up waiting for five minutes, get pissed off and complain about the inattentive mixologist. Think about it like this: You're a rock star on stage and there's lots of lights and sounds. Everyone can see you quite clearly, but beyond the bar it's a lot like the crowd in the auditorium. Lots of noise, distorted sounds and motion. Everything starts to blend together. Believe me. If you're standing back there on a Friday night and a couple of guys are loud and drunk, you eventually start to tune some things out. In order to get the bartenders' attention at first, sometimes you need to do something a little out of the ordinary. One thing I like to do is help the bartender out. As soon as I walk in and see thirty people standing at the bar clamoring for a cocktail, I look around at the tables and grab a handful of empty glasses. I walk right to wear the bartender is standing, ask everyone to excuse me while I help out, and set them right in front of him. The bartender gives you a "Thanks for the help. Who are you? Can I get you anything?" look, and you're in. Order your drinks, thank him graciously, always tip best on your first two rounds, and trust me... you won't have to wait for a drink the rest of the night.
I also always like to keep an eye on the bartender to see if they like to have an occasional drink behind the bar. This won't happen as much as it used to because the general thought of owners and managers is, if the bartender drinks, their drinking free product, thus, they're stealing. The way bars really should work is, the bartender has a few drinks with clientele, they eventually think he or she is really fun, they offer to buy them a shot or a beer, and you end up charging patrons for what's been consumed all evening by you and they leave liking you better than the stiff that turned them down at the other place. If the bartender does drink, I see what it is, and on one of my return trips I order two of those. When they set me up on the bar, I give a nod and a grin, slide one towards them, we toast, drink our drink, and never say a word, or maybe tell them that they looked like they needed it. Walk away. Buying the bartender a drink is a slippery slope. Bartenders are savvy. We know the reason for your kindness. You want free drinks or really big pours in return. Do you know how many dumb asses have tried to buy me a drink while I'm working and told me why they're doing it? Don't do it because you expect something in return, but rather do it because you appreciate their efforts behind the bar and then, you'll probably get something in return anyway. We're fickle back there.
I'm also partial to the jukebox donation trick. Watch who's putting money in the jukebox. Whether you like what they're playing or not, pick a group of people that have spent a lot of time picking tunes. At some point, take $5 and wander over to their table. Say, "Hey, sorry to bother you, but you guys were playing some great music earlier... here's $5 to pick some more and keep it going." Make something up... tell them some guy who likes ABBA just walked in and we need to hog the machine or something. Just walk away after that. Before you know it, each one ends up buying you a drink because they think you're pretty cool and you just got four cocktails for $5.
I'm also fond of tipping the bartender for another bad tipper on occasion. If it's a bar where the bartender has seen me before, but doesn't really know me yet, this can be a valuable relationship builder. At some point, someone will be a bad tipper or not tip nearly what the effort was worth because they were so high maintenance. You'll know this because a lot of bartenders will discuss bad tippers with the rest of the bar as soon as they leave. Theory here is, that you won't want to be talked about behind your back, and so you'll tip really good. I just pull a $5 bill out right then and order another drink for myself. I tell them to add it to the tab, and then a put the $5 down and say, "That's for the bad tipper. I hate to see my bartender suffer because he was an ass."
I also have a myriad of tricks to use with the wife when she's expecting me at home. I can't tell all of them because she may be reading. However, one that she already knows about is the "first drink" trick. Order a drink, and right before you're done with it, set it aside. Don't touch it, don't let the bartender touch it. Leave enough in it that it doesn't look finished, and then order another one. You may have four more drinks, but keep that glass there. When the wife calls, tell her where you are (so you're not lying) and when she asks how long you've been there or how many you've had, simply grab the first drink that's been sitting there unattended for an hour and say, "I'm actually still drinking my first drink." No lies, just subtle manipulation of the truth. She's happy (as happy as she can be) and you're off the hook. Cheers!!